David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

My programming from childhood still equates blame with shame

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I try to be blameless as much as I can. I struggle to do everything perfectly. I work hard to make others happy with me. It’s because I’m still running an old childhood script — one that makes me feel deep shame when anyone blames me for anything. So I’m constantly in fear of anyone thinking I’ve done something wrong.

It happened again Tuesday in a work situation. Something went wrong on a project which I’m overseeing. It wasn’t anything I caused. It wasn’t anything I could have prevented. I had no fault in the matter.

But someone was upset that he was inconvenienced in a small way. Because I was the bearer of the bad news — and because it’s my project — I could feel his blame. I could feel his unhappiness with me.

And I immediately felt a deep sense of shame — like a small boy whose angry father was blaming him for something he couldn’t control.

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If you need vacation from spouse, maybe you married wrong person

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I’ve heard variations of this story three times over the last month.

About three weeks ago, a friend told me he was taking a vacation to relax. I asked where he and his wife were going.

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “That would defeat the whole purpose. I can’t be myself around her. Me and some guy friends are going to Colorado.”

Another situation was a wife who admitted she can’t wait for her husband to leave town every time he goes on a business trip. The third was a guy going on a family vacation — with his parents and siblings — and leaving his wife behind, by mutual choice, because they don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore.

I sometimes hear people say it can be healthy to spend time away from a spouse. I’m not sure I agree that it’s ever positive, but I’m certain it’s negative if you’re doing it because you simply can’t stand to spend time with the person you married.

If you need a vacation from your spouse, that’s a sign of something disturbing. Maybe you’re married to the wrong person.

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My future plans are solid, but intuition says prepare for change

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When I feel intuition about something I haven’t expected, my mind’s first response is to explain why this gut feeling is wrong. My ego-driven brain likes to think it’s in charge, but my gut-level intuition often has the last word.

It was after 1 a.m. before Lucy and I walked tonight, so the neighborhood was quiet. I had been listening to an audiobook and I started that, but a noisy voice in my heart told me to shut off the audio and listen to the voice instead.

I have a firm work plan in place for the foreseeable future. My company just signed an agreement Friday that’s going to make it possible for us to renovate our office and prepare for substantial growth. I’ll have my real estate broker’s license by November and I’ll have a much larger role in building the future of the company after that. It’s a great financial opportunity for me.

But in the silence of my walk tonight, that little voice in my gut said, “Hold on. Something you don’t expect is about to change.”

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