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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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emotional growth

If you need vacation from spouse, maybe you married wrong person

By David McElroy · June 11, 2019

I’ve heard variations of this story three times over the last month.

About three weeks ago, a friend told me he was taking a vacation to relax. I asked where he and his wife were going.

“Are you kidding?” he asked. “That would defeat the whole purpose. I can’t be myself around her. Me and some guy friends are going to Colorado.”

Another situation was a wife who admitted she can’t wait for her husband to leave town every time he goes on a business trip. The third was a guy going on a family vacation — with his parents and siblings — and leaving his wife behind, by mutual choice, because they don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore.

I sometimes hear people say it can be healthy to spend time away from a spouse. I’m not sure I agree that it’s ever positive, but I’m certain it’s negative if you’re doing it because you simply can’t stand to spend time with the person you married.

If you need a vacation from your spouse, that’s a sign of something disturbing. Maybe you’re married to the wrong person.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: divorce, emotional growth, growth, marriage, psychology

False belief of boyhood haunts me: I can’t be loved unless I’m perfect

By David McElroy · March 8, 2019

You and I are held captive by unconscious beliefs we learned as children.

We all learned different things — depending on our families and how we were treated — but we all internalized ideas that became our core beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs help us to survive as children and become our defense mechanisms. They’re like silent background instructions telling us how to survive and get our needs met.

But then we grow up and keep living as though our simplistic childhood beliefs are actually true. In this way, our childhood defenses turn into adult blind spots that can make us miserable — and we don’t even know we’re doing it.

I’ve recently learned something interesting. If I know enough about your personality, I can go a long way toward determining which false beliefs you learned about yourself. Our secrets aren’t as hidden as we think they are.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: childhood, emotional growth, perfectionism, personality

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There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I There’s nothing extraordinary about this, but I just looked up as I was walking to my car and noticed how beautiful the world around me is. I get so accustomed to seeing this sort of mundane beauty that I barely notice it at times. This was just a reminder for me that things can be stunningly beautiful when we pay attention. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #birmingham #alabama
Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly not Alex looks like a much older cat — certainly nothing close to a kitten — as he sits next to a bright light on my desk Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #natu The sky seemed dramatic on our walk tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #night #clouds #birmingham #alabama #iphone14
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Just after midnight, most of the storms have passe Just after midnight, most of the storms have passed through and it’s died down enough for Lucy to take a quick bathroom break in the back yard. But the gentle rain and occasional soft lightning make the sky overhead beautiful while we’re out here. #nature #sky #night #lightning #rain #birmingham #alabama
Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attent Merlin tolerates a little bit of late-night attention from me as I start turning lights off for the night in the office. (Just as a reminder, most of my cat and dog photos are at @themcelroyzoo instead of here.) #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
By the time I get home this time of year, things l By the time I get home this time of year, things look a bit different in the back yard when I go out with Lucy, as compared to the warmth and daylight at this time of evening a few months ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #trees #night #birmingham #alabama
There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon There’s a word or phrase for times when the moon has this huge ring around it, but I don’t recall what it is. This phenomenon has fascinated me for years and it looks beautiful out here tonight. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #night #birmingham #alabama
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The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happ The World’s Happiest Dog® is having a very happy weekend. Lucy seems to find joy in everything — and she brings joy to everyone she touches. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be w It’s almost 5 p.m. and Thomas says he would be willing to eat early today if that would make my evening schedule less hectic. He’s just super accommodating that way. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch Merlin has been sitting in an office window watch most of the folks in the neighborhood cutting grass this afternoon. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle Merlin’s been napping in the cave of his castle and he seems to be annoyed that I’ve come back to the office after midnight to grab a few things. I’d better get out of here before he throws me out. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturdayeve
Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portra Thomas is looking pretty intense in his new portrait late Thursday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday nigh Merlin keeps watch over his kingdom Wednesday night in the office. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on t Merlin is slowly falling asleep as he relaxes on the corner of my desk next to a lamp. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday Thomas is relaxing in the office floor late Monday night. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday Merlin is watching a football game with me Sunday night, but I’m not entirely sure he understands all the rules. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #merlin2024 #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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On a live awards show Sunday night, one man made a joke about a female celebrity. The husband of the celebrity was offended and hit the man who made the joke. Or maybe it was staged for entertainment. Who knows? Who cares? Social media is full of discussion — and even arguments — about this idiocy today. This baffles me. Let’s assume for a moment that the event happened as reported. People have been having such idiotic fights ever since there have been humans. Half the bars in the world see such brief dustups regularly. It simply doesn’t matter. The fact that so many people believe they need to talk about this — or even need to have opinions about it — is more evidence of the bizarre media brainwashing that convinces many to care passionately about brain-dead trivia. Your life will be happier and saner if you focus on yourself, your family and your friends, not on whatever scripted (or spontaneous) bilge that the media wants to pipe into your home.

I’m in the middle of migrating this website to new servers this week. This means you might encounter some unexpected behavior until I get all the bugs worked out. Clicking on my links (including this one) might cause your browser to give you the message that it’s a site without a current security certificate. It’s not actually unsafe, but there’s something which isn’t yet set up for the security certificate. I apologize for any such errors you might encounter while the process is going on. If you notice any problems with content which didn’t migrate properly, I would appreciate you letting me know the details at davidmcelroy@mac.com. Thanks for your patience.

I often wonder what animals think when they look at us and consider the society we’ve created. Yes, I know this is fanciful and unrealistic, but what if they could? Would they be astounded at how we treat each other? Would they be disgusted by the ugliness and pettiness which fill so many of our daily interactions? The truth is that I’m feeling pretty disgusted with humanity tonight. I made the mistake of reading some online interactions that I should have avoided — and it sickened me. The people involved appeared to be vile and stupid and arrogant. I wish I could pretend they’re a tiny minority, but I know better. It’s times such as this when I most need to escape much of “civilization” and disconnect from their world. If humans are going to be worthy of “ruling this planet,” we have a lot of growth to do. And I fear that growth is nowhere in sight. So my buddy Thomas, above, and all of his friends would be right to judge us harshly — and to think, “Why do you folks get to be in charge?”

I should have expected this, but I honestly didn’t. The article I wrote last week about disagreements over treatment for autistic children brought me angry emails. You could almost call it “hate mail.” Of the five emails about it so far, two have been to tell me that I’m wrong to even listen to critics of the most popular therapy for autistic children — and the other three tell me I’m wrong for not condemning the treatment as the “obvious” abuse it is. If you read the article, you know I didn’t take a position on the issue, because I simply don’t know enough to have an opinion. But by talking about the issue, I stepped into a heated controversy. The emails from the two sides convinced me of nothing. But they did give me even more empathy for the unfortunate parents who have to figure out for themselves where the truth lies for their children.

Have you ever had what you thought was a new idea — and then discovered that “old you” had the same idea years ago? I had that experience tonight. And it’s been wonderful. I came up with an idea tonight for a very short satirical film that would be a promotion for a fictitious college. The point is to make the college promote — as good things — everything which is actually terrible about most modern colleges. Then I remembered a fake college that I invented back when I was in college. I had created student recruitment brochures and various newsletters back then, so I decided to call my “new” college by the same name I’d invented years ago: Ochita College. As I searched my computer for any old material I might still have about Ochita from the past, I discovered an email I sent to someone in 2009 — outlining essentially the same idea which I came up with tonight. Since I didn’t remember writing that, it felt like magic. So my next film project just might be this one instead. If all goes well, you might soon see “Ochita College: Your Future Starts Here.” This should be fun.

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