In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
Fixing what’s broken inside often makes things worse until rebirth
Donald Trump is no conservative; he’s an immoral, narcissistic liar
EU Nanny State bans young kids from evil balloons and whistles

Time for anger? Dissent is good, but ask what the dissenters stand for
Why are churches only talking about freedom as it relates to abortion?
ObamaCare must fail in long term, but conservatives can’t stop it now
Becoming who we’re meant to be is the hardest battle of our lives
I haven’t learned to stop walking on eggshells around angry people
If he cheats at Cracker Barrel, he’ll eventually cheat you, too