In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
Movie popcorn overpriced? Sue ’em; spoiled children want their way
What’s so important to you that you’d like to take it to your grave?
Night of panic and little sleep shows chaos of finding my way

Most prizes feel empty, because our real need is for connection
I still have trouble accepting that my idealized world doesn’t exist
Ten years later, it hurts to know she lost faith in me and gave up
Memo to politicians: Coercion isn’t the same thing as ‘investment’
Bachmann’s attack on Obama’s TelePrompTer was cynical hypocrisy
He couldn’t mold her into himself, but my dad broke Mother’s spirit