David McElroy

Note: This article was published on April 1, 2012, which should give you a hint about how seriously to take it.

There’s shocking proof today that GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney is an agent for a shadowy Illuminati/Masonic conspiracy to take over the United States. The explosive revelation comes from Buck Weazer, president of Democracy United Motherland Mighty Investigative Enlightenment Services (DUMMIES).

“I have in my hand the names of 872 paid agents of the Illuminati who are members of the media and work as election officials,” Weazer said. “Those people have successfully rigged these primaries so far and covered up the fact that 94.6 percent of the public is really voting for Ron Paul. I mean, do you personally know anyone who’s for Romney? I don’t, either. It’s a conspiracy.”

Weazer, seen below with his cat, Lulabelle, said the conspiracy involved several groups working together under the code name Operation Purple Monkey. Elements of the Illuminati, the Masons, the Bilderberg Group and the Girl Scouts have been planning this operation since 1992.

The man we know today as Romney was originally a Polish actor who was discovered on the Warsaw stage. He had an uncanny natural resemblance to the real Mitt Romney, so a little bit of plastic surgery was all that was required to make him completely look the part.

The switch was made during a sacred pagan ritual at the Bohemian Grove in California in 1994. While all of the participants were stripping their clothes off for the naked dance in the moonlight to the Goddess Hilda, the fake Romney was brought in as just another anonymous naked man. (See photo evidence above from changing clothes.) When the ceremony was over, the fake Romney put on the real Romney’s clothes and the real one was whisked away for confinement at a secret FEMA camp located a mile and a half south of Walmart in Seward, Neb.

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While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is, tragically, hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to,” says St. Peter, “but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you’ll be allowed to choose where to spend eternity.”

“Seriously? Then, I’ve made up my mind,” says the senator. “I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but I have my orders.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.

Everyone is very happy. They’re dressed nicely and having a great time. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayers. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it’s time to go visit heaven.

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As you watch the Mega Millions jackpot go higher, remember that the federal government spends that much about every hour and a half.

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