I was surprised a couple of days ago to learn that Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing. I don’t keep up with celebrity marriages and I’d never had any great interest in the Gates family. But I’d always had the impression they were a happy and stable family.
Marriages break up for all sorts of reasons and I have no idea what happened with the Gates family. But their announcement has had me thinking about why so many relationships that start like fairy tales end up like nightmares.
It seems to me that our desires often mislead us. When we’re looking for someone to date, we have a list of things we want — conscious or unconscious — but those aren’t necessarily things that will keep people together for good.
As I’ve gotten more mature — in life and in relationships — I’ve noticed that my own standards have unconsciously changed.
About 10 years ago, I casually dated a woman for about a year. Someone later asked me what I meant by saying we had dated “casually.” I wasn’t sure how to explain it at first. Then the truth dawned on me — and I understood something about myself.

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Deep-seated shame makes it hard for me to take my needs seriously
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