In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
Reading people is a survival skill which all children need to learn
Can I reconnect with inner child who saw the world differently?
I’m waiting for life to begin, but I’m feeling lost and alone tonight

Words on paper don’t give governments the right to rob us
No, Rodney King, people in this country can’t just ‘all get along’
Muslims protecting Christian church remind us there’s good in all groups
Why waste time on Ukraine war? Focus on your own future instead
The world becomes magical when the right person says, ‘I love you’
This is my private confessional; the truths I write often scare me