David McElroy

Hurt people hurt people, and it’s hard to forgive that in ourselves

By David McElroy · May 15, 2020

It’s hard to forgive other people, but it’s far more difficult to forgive ourselves. I know this is true, because I’ve struggled with it for years.

I listened to a podcast episode tonight about how victims of narcissists often lash out at other people in behavior that seems remarkably similar to the behavior that was done to them. I’ve known for years that this is true, but I prefer to avoid the subject.

Thinking about it makes me feel guilt and shame. I struggle to give myself the grace of self-compassion and forgiveness.

I’ve talked with you over and over about my struggles with coming to understand the narcissistic abuse I went through as a child. The thing I seem to have struggled with the most are my fears of having learned too many of my father’s dysfunctional ways. (Here‘s an example from about 18 months ago.)

As I listened to the podcast discussion tonight of how easy it is for victims to repeat some forms of what was done to them, I felt the shame return — and I was reminded that I still haven’t mastered how to give myself compassion and forgiveness.

The Alien Observer:
Can we trust the experts?

By David McElroy · May 14, 2020

People are angrily screaming with each other right now about what ought to be done about how much public activity to allow.

Some people demand that everything be opened up as before. Others demand that most things remain closed — and most people remain at home — for many more months. Everybody seems convinced that he has the right answer.

But the questions which a lot of people aren’t really addressing are which experts ought to be trusted and whether anybody has the right to force everyone else to obey his particular expert.

The Alien Observer:
What’s this show all about?

By David McElroy · May 9, 2020

I don’t fit into the warring political and social teams that are fighting to take control of this country. I see the world entirely differently than they do. This show is my attempt to show a different way of looking at the world — and to bridge the gap between people who hate each other and badly misunderstand one another.

I’m seeing a lot of simplistic and dishonest explanations right now for the current rioting in France. Those on the populist far right claim it’s all about Muslim immigrants to France disrupting the culture. Their message is that this sort of thing is going to happen in the U.S. unless “we defend the border.” On the far left, socialists and their fellow travelers claim the riots are all about wealthy people in France not paying enough taxes, resulting in cuts to government services. The truth is far more complicated, but it’s rooted in the decline of population growth in Europe. There simply aren’t enough young workers paying into the tax system anymore, so cuts in social services were inevitable. There is genuine cultural tension as more and more people immigrate from other countries, but government cuts to education and other services are even more important to what’s happening. The situation is complicated, so don’t let dishonest people with U.S. political agendas tell you that it happens to support whatever they were already promoting for partisan reasons.

Here’s another reason to appreciate the cats in your life: New research involving 93 countries found that places with more cats per person also tended to have happier people. The researchers say the finding fits with previous evidence that living with pets can reduce loneliness and stress while providing companionship, emotional attachment and social support. The study doesn’t prove that cats cause greater happiness, but it certainly adds to the evidence that sharing your home — and your life — with a cat might be good for you.

The company that owns Facebook and Instagram is heavily promoting its new AI-based software assistant called Muse, but people who are using it as it was designed are incredibly foolish. An early adopter of the software discovered that a few days ago when he advertised an item for sale on Facebook Marketplace — and he inadvertently gave Muse full authority to act on his behalf. The software agreed to a lowball offer made by another Facebook user and then gave that man the home address of the man for whom he was an agent. The software told the buyer that the seller was home and waiting for him. When the buyer showed up and waited angrily, the would-be buyer left an angry review for the man. And this angry man had the seller’s home address. It was only well after that that the software reported what it had done and admitted it had made a mistake. I won’t be putting that much power into the hands of any software. I think anyone who agrees to such terms is a fool. And the software’s user agreement says you’re responsible for purchases the software makes in your name. Nope.

Meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Meg. And she’s my little sweetheart. A couple of months ago, a neighbor across the street told me about a new stray in the neighborhood that she and I were both soon feeding. The cat had been very skittish about contact and she had a lot of scabs and parasites in her fur, but a trip to the vet last week revealed that she was otherwise in good health. The vet estimates her to be 1 to 2 years old. I named her for Meg Murry, the 13-year-old protagonist of Madeleine L’Engle’s wonderful book, “A Wrinkle in Time.” (Please read the book. Don’t watch the horrible movie.) Since we lost Lucy almost a year ago, it seems appropriate that we finally have a new little girl to join the household. She’s already captured my heart, but Alex, Oliver and Sam aren’t there quite yet.

There’s nothing socially acceptable that’s as dangerous as drinking alcohol. Most people grow up being told to “drink responsibly” — and all of us see people abusing this drug in one way or another — but the truth is that drinking alcohol is always a terrible risk. The alcohol in these drinks is toxic and the human liver has to work hard to filter the toxins out. What most people don’t realize is that alcohol is classified as a known carcinogen by the World Health Organization — because of the well-established connection between imbibing and various cancers. Many people have taken refuge behind the idea that light or moderate drinking might be safe, but a new study shows that drinking even one drink a day increases the risks of 10 types of cancer. When I was a teen-ager, I looked around and saw the negative effects that this behavior had on a lot of people and decided not to start drinking, so I’ve never even tried this poison. The evidence keeps piling up that I was lucky to have come to that conclusion early.