David McElroy

What if you could build your own ideal sexual partner? Would you care if she had no brain? No heart? No soul? No feelings?

The idea of a sex doll sounds outrageous to most of us, but is it really such a big leap from what most people today have accepted as normal?

If you simply want sex — and you don’t really care that much who the partner is — then it’s perfectly natural that porn would seem like a good substitute for intimacy. And if an ever-changing array of porn performers are your idea of what sex ought to be, why not move on to a physical substitute — a plastic dummy that can be made to look and feel very much like the women who you can have only in your juvenile porn fantasies.

If your idea of intimacy and sex are so warped that you can’t have an emotionally good and mutual relationship with a real woman, why not just give yourself over to this solo sexual fantasy? At least you wouldn’t be hurting real women if you confine yourself to their plastic lookalikes.

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After talking with the man and the woman, I figured out why they divorced.

He told me that he saw all of her problems before they married, but he thought she would mature and grow out of the things that bothered him. She told me that he had remained exactly what he had been when they dated, but she thought she could change him. Neither seemed to think he or she needed to grow or change.

A bit of questioning convinced me that the two people never actually knew each other. Yes, they knew the other person’s habits and preferences and moods. But they were clueless about having any real understanding of what made the other what he or she is. I knew things about both of them that the other didn’t know — and I don’t really know this couple that well. Some things are just obvious if you’re paying attention.

It was psychologist David Keirsey who introduced me to the concept of the “Pygmalion project” in his book, “Please Understand Me.” It’s the tendency that many people have to try to mold another person to be just like himself. It’s someone seeing himself as perfectly healthy and mature as he or she is — and trying to force the other person to adjust himself or herself to fit.

“This is just who I’m always going to be,” says the person. “But I have to change her [or him] to be just like me.”

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