The love I crave seems beyond horizon, always out of my reach

By David McElroy · July 2, 2019

I miss her.

I don’t want to miss her. I don’t want to think about her. I don‘t want to talk about her. I just want the hole in my heart to be filled. I want something else — someone else, another love, another desire, anything positive — to fill empty place in my heart.

But there’s a steady drumbeat inside every part of me. It’s as regular as my own heartbeat. It’s a constant companion. No matter what I do, it reminds me.

I miss her.

She’s the sun beyond the horizon at sunset, casting a powerful and colorful glow on every part of my world — but completely out of my view, completely out of my reach. She’s as close as the warmth of sun on my skin, but as far away — and as mysterious and fleeting — as the changing colors of the reflected sunlight. She’s so near, but so far.

I miss her.

I try to intellectualize what I feel. I try to be logical. I try to talk my heart out of feeling anything. But my brain can’t talk my heart into obeying. Even when I stifle my feelings and control my thoughts, putting her aside is as foreign as it might be to force myself to stop breathing.

With every breath, with every heartbeat, with every step I take, there’s another reminder.

I miss her.

There’s the compulsion to call her again. There’s the longing to hear her voice again. There’s the longing to see her face, to touch her hand, to tell her she is loved, to hold her close.

It’s like being naked and vulnerable in public. It’s like feeling starvation for something to eat. It’s like needing the taste of clean water. It’s like a need that can’t be filled by anything else.

I miss her.

Everything about it makes me feel crazy. It makes me willing to cross deserts or slay dragons or destroy the armies of her enemies. It pushes primal buttons that have no specific relevance in modern life.

Men have always been driven to do great things — or crazy things — for the love of a woman. Helen of Troy had the face that launched a thousand ships. Men have killed others and fought wars and abandoned all they had built for themselves. Love makes men crazy.

I miss her.

I want to reach out beyond the horizon and touch her face. I want to speak of love and to hear her voice. I want to hear her tell me she loves me again. I want her to hear my voice. I want her to know all the things my heart longs to say.

I want all that I can’t have. It seems so close every day. I can see it just beyond my horizon. I expect the light to break through and shine on me again. But I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it.

There’s nothing for me to do. There’s nothing for me to say. But in the grips of a powerful love that won’t die and won’t go away — but won’t return and won’t stay — I keep falling into this dark and empty hole. Because she’s so close I can feel her spirit, but because she’s so far, I can’t touch her.

She’s so near, but so far.

My heart sighs and hurts. My brain runs like a locomotive out of control. My pulse pounds like a jackhammer, harder and faster. Again.

I miss her.

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We are ruled by the dumbest and most incompetent people among us — and we have a system which allows stupid and irresponsible people to force the costs of their idiocy onto smarter and wiser people. Can we get away with that? Yes, for quite some time. But we eventually reach a point at which the dumbest of the dumb — who are habitual liars and mentally ill fools — lead us to the disasters and destruction that some of us have seen coming for years. We are approaching that point. And yet most of the idiots around us still wave their rhetorical banners of support for the evil people who are leading us to ruin — and all of them point their fingers at someone else, never noticing that their own enthusiastic support of evil is to blame. When things finally fall apart, blame yourself for your blindness to the evil, not whoever happens to be in power when it happens.

I’ve been making some changes to the site lately and there are more changes coming in the days ahead, so don’t be surprised if you some small differences. This is not a wholesale redesign, but rather the addition of some features. Since they’re smarter than I am, I’ve put Oliver and Alex in charge of the technical work, which you can see in this action photo from the control room of our media complex. I recently added a series of landing pages for readers who randomly discover the site from an Internet search. I’ve also changed the YouTube link at the top of the page to go to the new YouTube channel for video essays that reflect things I’ve already published here. (Here’s a little bit about both of the YouTube channels I’m working on.) In addition, I’m trying to move away from using Instagram, so I’m experimenting with photo plug-ins that will eventually allow me to host the pictures — cats, dogs, sunsets, whatever — that I often take. So don’t be surprised to see more changes. Thanks for your patience. Let’s hope Alex and Oliver know what they’re doing.

I have no use for the theocratic and repressive government of Iran. The people who run the country are cruel at best and evil at worst. The Iranian people deserve freedom. But I have no personal quarrel with anybody in Iran. While I’m not thrilled about a future Iranian government having nuclear weapons, I’m just as concerned about nukes in the hands of politicians in Israel, Pakistan, India, China and Russia. I’m not even thrilled with the U.S., Britain and France having them, either, because I don’t trust any politicians to be responsible with such terrible weapons. All I can say with certainty is that American taxpayers have no business attacking Iran, especially since we’re being forced to pay for this attack in order to benefit the politicians of Israel — and nobody else. If Middle Eastern countries want to fight among themselves, that’s none of my business. It’s not the business of the U.S. government, either. I have no quarrel with anybody in Iran — and having the government which claims to represent me launch an unprovoked attack against a sovereign country will only make all Americans less safe in the near future. This attack is poorly conceived and morally unjustified. Remember that when the Iranians launch attacks that we will then condemn as “terrorism.” What the U.S. is doing right now looks like terrorism to me. And let’s not forget that the attack is the latest in a long line of unconstitutional wars by various U.S. presidents — who have no legal power to declare war on their own, according to the U.S. Constitution.

A child having a tantrum understands only one thing: Did I get my way or not? He doesn’t understand the issues involved. He doesn’t understand the reasons that went into a decision. He doesn’t understand any of the things that mature and reasonable adults have to understand in order to live healthy lives. By his reaction to the U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to strike down his disastrous tariff scheme, Donald Trump shows himself to be — once more — a screaming child having a tantrum. Outside the world of mob bosses who expect to get their way every time, normal adults don’t act this way, but Trump isn’t normal. He’s an angry and vengeful man who has narcissistic personality disorder. And we are in danger as a result. Trump doesn’t understand the legal issues involved in this ruling. He doesn’t understand economics. He doesn’t understand rule of law. He doesn’t understand that he can ever be wrong. All he understands is that he didn’t get his way. And he is now a narcissistic and raging little boy who also happens to hold life-and-death power over most humans on this planet. He’s dangerous — and the system which gives him that power is even more dangerous.

Is it an attempt to blur the gender line between men and women? Or is it some weird tribute to the traditional Scottish kilt? It’s hard to say, but fashion designers keep pushing for men to wear skirts in the last few years. Both men and women in modern fashion seem oddly androgynous, as though it would be offensive for a man to look manly or for a woman to look feminine. A CNN article about the latest fashions from Paris caught my attention Monday and left me wondering about the ugly clothes the designers are hawking. If a man wants to wear a skirt — or a kilt — that’s OK with me, but I’ll stick with a traditional dark suit with a white shirt and tie. (Well, when I’m not wearing t-shirts and sweats, of course.) I always wonder who actually buys the outlandish garb from fashion designers anyway. I would be humiliated to be seen in any of this stuff, but I obviously have no sense of high fashion.

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