abuse

Fear of possible violence keeps some people trapped by misery

By David McElroy · June 28, 2019

For years, I’ve known she wanted out of her terrible marriage.

She never should have married him. I don’t think she ever loved him. Not really. But he wanted her very badly. He pursued her hard. After a series of less-than-stellar relationships, it made her feel happy to be wanted so much. And he checked all the boxes on her “must have” list. So she accepted his proposal and they got married.

Even before the wedding, she saw red flags, but she didn’t want to back out. She kept making excuses for him. She was a strong woman, so she thought she could control the situation.

But as soon as they got married, she found out that he had been putting on an act about what he was. The red flags she had occasionally seen turned out to be routine behavior. Verbal abuse was constant. Belittling was an everyday thing. She soon realized she had married a malignant narcissist. She didn’t know anything about narcissism until then, but as she started reading about it — at my urging — she recognized her husband in every possible way.

She finally admitted something to me tonight. The only reason she hasn’t left him so far is that she fears he wouldn’t let her out alive.

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Few dollars fed mom and her girls, but her bigger challenges lie ahead

By David McElroy · March 3, 2019

The woman and her daughter looked tired as they sat down at a table next to me at McDonald’s. They were quiet and it struck me that they seemed solemn. Had the woman been crying?

The girl and her mother were counting change. I had heard her ask an employee for some menu prices and how much sales tax would be. Then it dawned on me. They were counting their remaining change to see what they could afford to order.

I tried to strike up a friendly conversation, but they were guarded. The woman responded politely, but she didn’t feel much like being friendly to a stranger. I got up from my seat and walked over to their table.

“Are you a little short?” I asked quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear and risk embarrassing her. “I’d be happy to help if I can.”

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If you grow accustomed to abuse, you eventually accept it as normal

By David McElroy · December 28, 2018

Have you ever noticed a friend being abused — by a romantic partner or a dysfunctional parent — and gently suggested that maybe something is wrong in the person’s life?

I’ve learned from experience that few people are going to defend an abuser as much as his worst victim will. How could a victim defend his or her abuser? What could make someone so blind as to do this? What would make someone willing to deny what others can easily see?

I can understand how this happens, because I once played the role of the victim defending his abuser. It wasn’t that I was lying to anybody. I had just grown up with abuse and that was all I’d known. I was terrified of my father — and I knew he made me angry all the time — but I also believed he was the best father in the world.

How is it possible for me to have known all I knew about him, yet still put him on a pedestal? I don’t want to talk about this, but I need to.

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