David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

personality

We like to think we’re complex, but personality gurus pegged me

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Am I really this predictable? Or are they reading my mind?

A couple of months ago, a friend told me about a daily “EnneaThought for the Day” which I could sign up to receive from the Enneagram Institute. You know how much I’ve come to appreciate the insights of the Enneagram personality typing system over the past four or five years, so it was a no-brainer for me to sign up to get the free thought of the day about the Type 1.

But I didn’t expect it to feel as though somebody had been reading my thoughts. These people had me pegged. I appreciate it — and the recognition makes me laugh — but it also makes me a bit uncomfortable.

Am I really this easy to predict?

“A major feature of your personality is the tendency to see disorder all around you and feel personally obliged to do something about it. Watch for this in yourself today.”

I inhaled sharply when I read that one. I laughed at myself nervously. How could they possibly know this? How did they know that I feel as though the world is falling apart and that it will collapse if I don’t fix everything?

Surely that was just a fluke.

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Defense mechanism led me to repress unacceptable emotions

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I had never heard of the psychological concept of “reaction formation” until recently, but I’ve apparently been using this defense mechanism all my life.

Almost two weeks ago, I encountered the idea of reaction formation in a book about the psychology of personality. In a chapter about my personality type, the author discussed reaction formation as the central defense mechanism of the type. The first time I heard it, the idea went in one ear and out the other. It didn’t sound relevant to me.

But I listened to the chapter a couple more times. One day this past week, a painful insight hit me. It was something I didn’t want to see. All of a sudden, I saw with startling clarity how I had been using this obscure defense mechanism my entire life. This sudden insight explained a lot about my past.

And then suddenly, an even-more-powerful insight showed me how I was continuing to do the same thing today — and that’s something I definitely didn’t want to see.

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My need to make others perfect reflects my fear I’m not in control

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It was about 12 years ago and I was getting to know a woman who I would soon start dating. I don’t tell you this story with pride, but with shame. It really embarrasses me.

This woman had a brilliant mind. She was talented enough to do anything she wanted. Her competence, talent and intelligence were stunning. She could have done something really impressive if she had wanted, but what she really wanted was to be a teacher. She had received her degree and was about to start teaching.

That seemed like a waste to me. I thought she could do something so much more “impressive.” I don’t remember what I said, but I was trying to nudge her into thinking about something bigger. I was probably a bit condescending about it. You see, if she was going to be in my life, I wanted her to do something more impressive. I wanted to make her into what I thought she ought to be. I wasn’t honest enough with myself about it at the time to know this, but I made her career choice all about me.

I’m not a control freak, but I’m happier if you do things “the right way.” My way.

One of my core problems is my compulsion to reform everything around me, including other people. It’s not that I don’t also want to fix myself. I do. I want to fix the entire world around me — and that includes other people. This is really a problem of me needing control.

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