In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
Before you can rescue other folks, you have to learn to save yourself
Fear of intimacy causes confused people to run from love they need
What do we prove with huge houses we can’t afford to pay for or even fill?

Love’s closest counterfeit sounds like love but acts like selfish need
Every addiction is heart’s effort to fill inner hole that requires love
Constant quest for perfection leaves us confused and paralyzed
If you listen carefully, your heart will tell you what you really need
Trump’s rabid defenders selling their souls for a narcissistic liar
Life’s path can change direction when you’re ready for real love