My life has become a long quest to resolve a crisis of faith.
It’s not just about religion or theology, though. It’s about all of life. I didn’t even recognize what was going on when it started. At one point, everything made sense. I had a coherent worldview. That’s what I thought anyway — until the foundations of my life broke down, one by one.
When I was young, everything made sense to me. I had what seemed to be a coherent “theory of everything.” I knew The Truth, not because I had found something, but simply because I had grown up being taught exactly how things ought to be.
My understanding of The Truth wasn’t just about theology or God or anything so narrow. I had an integrated set of beliefs about reality. About everything. They all fit together — like the parts of a beautiful building.
My “theory of everything” was a work of great art which had been designed with mathematical precision — by an architect who was also a great engineer.
The central pillar of that structure of beliefs was my father. Even though I now understand that my family was deeply dysfunctional, I believed that everything my father taught me was right and good. I got angry with him at times and I pushed back in small ways, but I was ultimately too afraid to rebel against this god-like father who ruled my life.

Perfect time for reaching a goal can be right after you’ve given up
Words I wrote as idealistic teen suggest I’m still the same inside
As I quietly watch my world burn, I’m painfully aware this isn’t fine
‘Vote iPhone in 2012’: Let’s bring democracy to the phone world
She’s miserable in life she chose, but she’s too proud to change now
World is a surreal alien landscape where nothing makes sense to me
I don’t know how to fix race issues, but anger at race-baiters won’t help
In a culture that worships youth, we’re scared to look in a mirror
Trivial distractions keep us from focusing on love and connection