David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

Want to really understand someone? Visit the places that shaped his past

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If you want to understand me, let me take you to some of the places where I’ve been. Let me explain the things that happened there. When I can tell you my stories — in the places where they took place — that’s when you’ll start to understand who I really am.

That’s true for anyone. There is a strong sense of place about our experiences. If I listen to your story and try to understand it, I won’t see it as clearly if I just understand the details of the plot. Understanding the places where those stories took place helps me find meaning in the stories.

And if you can take a person to where he or she experienced something, you’ll put the person back into a frame of mind from the past. It strips the person emotionally naked.

Old feelings come out. Old hurts, old joys, old pains and old triumphs. They all become more clear when you’re in the places where they happened.

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Biases teach us what to expect, but we often turn out to be wrong

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Do you ever judge people by their outward appearance? Of course you do. You’re human. That’s the way we’re wired. Despite our best efforts, we do it every day.

Black writer and actor Quancy Clayborne told a story on Twitter about an experience he had Friday at a coffee shop near his house in Seattle that illustrates how this works.

“I’m in line behind a guy who looked like a skinhead this morning,” Clayborne wrote. “He turned around and looked at me, so I’m thinking, ‘This isn’t going to end well.’ Then he says, ‘Hey brother, I will never understand what it’s like to be you, but I appreciate who you are.’ Then he shakes my hand.”

Clayborne was honest enough to admit that he assumed this skinhead type would be a racist and might even cause trouble for a black man. But there’s a lesson here for all of us. People aren’t always what we assume they are.

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There’s hatred, evil and injustice, but this is the ‘real’ America, too

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When a University of Texas student crushed his wrist and needed a trip to an emergency room, he called Uber in Austin for a ride. But when Beni showed up to drive the injured man to a hospital, he did more than provide transportation.

“This is my Uber driver Beni,” the grad student wrote when he posted this photo on Reddit Friday evening. “He took me to the hospital and [is] keeping me company since most of my family lives out of the state.”

It’s just a small act of decency, but the story made me happy. I found myself thinking that this is the real America I know. It’s a place where most people will help each other when there’s need. It’s a place where most people are still more decent, more humane and more loving than we sometimes remember.

About a month ago, an artist who goes by Childish Gambino released a video for a song he called “This is America.” It’s a cynical and one-sided portrayal of racism and injustice. The evil the song portrays does exist. I agree with the need for change to eliminate politically driven injustice, but I was bothered by the title. Is this depressing and cynical picture of America fair and accurate?

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