In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
THE McELROY ZOO: Meet Lucy, the dog who used to live on a chain
FRIDAY FUNNIES

If people say I intimidate them, what am I really doing wrong?
What do we prove with huge houses we can’t afford to pay for or even fill?
Proposals to skip rent payments are rooted in magical thinking
We learn how to make a living, but not how to make a good life
You finally have to stop making excuses for people who hurt you