David McElroy

While walking down a street one day, a U.S. senator was hit by a bus and died. His soul arrived at the gates of heaven, where he was met by St. Peter.

“Welcome to heaven,” St. Peter said. “Before we let you settle in, it seems there’s a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem,” the man said. “Just let me in.”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St. Peter, “but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you’ll be allowed to choose where to spend eternity.”

“Seriously? Then, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven.”

“I’m sorry, but I have my orders,” St. Peter replied.

And with that, St. Peter escorted him to an elevator and the senator went down — down, down and father down — to hell. The doors opened and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance, he saw a fancy clubhouse. Standing in front of it were all his old friends and other politicians who had worked with him in days gone by.

Everyone seemed very happy.

They were all dressed nicely and having a great time. They ran to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayers. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present was the devil, who seemed like a very friendly guy, a sophisticated being who had a good time dancing and telling jokes. They were having such a good time that he didn’t even notice that it was time for him to visit heaven.

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As you watch the Mega Millions jackpot go higher, remember that the federal government spends that much about every hour and a half.

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Economists say that a lottery is a tax on people who can’t do math. At a talk about five years ago, psychologist Dan Gilbert said you might as well flush the money down the toilet, because the odds of winning are almost identical to the odds that you’ll flush money down the toilet and millions of dollars will come back up. And the advantage of the toilet is that you’re saved a visit to the 7-Eleven to buy the tickets.

Now that the jackpot in the Mega Millions lottery has hit more than half a billion dollars, I’ve been surprised at the number of people I know who talk about heading across the Georgia line to buy some tickets. (There’s no state lottery in Alabama.) When I point out that it’s throwing money away, the excuse is that they’re “buying hope” with a few dollars.

What’s the worst thing that could happen? Based on the history of other big winners, the worst thing that could happen would be to win the money.

Take Jack Whittaker, for instance. In 2002, this West Virginia businessman won $315 million. In interviews after winning, he talked of giving some of the money to his church and he talked about the people he was going to help. Instead, his life turned out to be a nightmare. He started drinking heavily from the stress. He was robbed of more than half a million dollars at a strip club. His daughter and granddaughter were murdered. And a casino had to sue him over a $1.5 million check he wrote to cover gambling losses.

In 2007, Whittaker told ABC News that he wished he had never won the money.

“Since I won the lottery, I think there is no control for greed,” he said. “I think if you have something, there’s always someone else that wants it. I wish I’d torn that ticket up.”

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