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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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dysfunctional family

I’ve struggled to finally believe there’s more than one ‘right way’

By David McElroy · June 25, 2019

Is there a wrong way to fold a bath towel? For people like me, that’s a trick question. There’s only one right way. Every other way but mine is wrong.

I was 10 years old when I decided how towels ought to be folded. My sisters and I did the laundry in our household — they were 8 and 6 — and I decided that our inconsistent ways of folding towels had to change. Our current towels were neatly stacked, but there was no system about how they were folded or turned in the stack.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how I thought they looked best. I talked with my sisters about it. Then I settled on one particular method. From that moment on, that became the way to fold towels in our household. It wasn’t just “our way.” It was “the right way.”

A lot of us have preferences about such things, but not everybody internalizes that his way — of thinking, of doing things, of believing — is the one and only way. This was a pattern of my perfectionistic thinking for most of my life — and it’s still a struggle for me to realize there can be other ways that are just as right as my own.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: dysfunctional family, enneagram, family, psychology, type 1

I can’t help wanting to replay life with emotionally healthy parents

By David McElroy · December 13, 2018

When I was born, babies were kept away from families for awhile. Even the mother didn’t have a lot of time with the baby right after birth. For the most part, the babies spent their time in a nursery, separated from visitors by a huge sheet of glass.

I’m one of those babies in the nursery above. I’ve been told that I was the one on the front left, but I can’t be sure of that. The man you see reflected in the glass — the one in the short-sleeve dress shirt and tie — was my father. For days, he couldn’t hold his first-born child — and I’m told that he spent hours watching me, just like this.

My father could be a very loving man at times. Because I had to go so many years without being able to talk about his terrifying narcissistic side, you’ve heard me speak quite a bit this year — since he died in April — about the awful side of growing up with him.

But when I look at a picture like this from my baby book — with him longing to hold and love his new son — it breaks my heart, because it reminds me how much he wanted to love me and how much he wanted me to love him.

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Until I can have the family I need, I’ll spend my Thanksgiving alone

By David McElroy · November 21, 2018

I will spend Thanksgiving taking photographs. I’ll also eat some turkey and dressing. (It will be cornbread dressing made with the Southern Living recipe.) I’m probably going to a movie, too.

My day will be much like Thanksgiving for millions of Americans, but with one major difference. I’ll be spending my day alone.

Since I have no family of my own, I get invitations from kind friends every year to join their families for the day. I’ve had at least three sincere offers this year, including one as I left the office Wednesday afternoon. I always feel a little guilty turning down their kind offers, but the truth is that I’d rather be alone.

That’s misleading, though. What I’d really love — more than anything else in the world — is to spend Thanksgiving and every holiday with a wife and children who I love. But if I can’t have that, I’d rather spend the day alone — until I can finally start building the family I want and need.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: dysfunctional family, family, thanksgiving

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Some of you might be aware that my dog Lucy died o Some of you might be aware that my dog Lucy died of cancer last weekend. As I’ve been grieving the loss of this beautiful and loving girl, I put together a one-minute compilation of short videos of Lucy from her first two or three weeks with me in early 2016. She was several years old at the time, but living with me provided her first stable home. She was unsure of herself at first, but she quickly developed confidence as she discovered how much she was loved. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Tonight’s moon is apparently something called a be Tonight’s moon is apparently something called a beaver supermoon. I noticed as I was getting home from work that it was a bright yellowish-orange, so I snapped this a couple of miles from home. It’s not a great photo, but I was pretty happy with it for an iPhone shot on the side of the road. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama #iphone17pro
I’m heartbroken to tell you that I lost Lucy early I’m heartbroken to tell you that I lost Lucy early Sunday morning. The World’s Happiest Dog lived with me for 10 years, but I can’t say for sure how old she was when she came to live with me. I’ve written a brief article on my website about Lucy and what she meant to me, which you’ll find as the most recent article at davidmcelroy.org if you would be interested. (There’s a clickable link on my profile.) Like every good dog, she was “the goodest dog.” I love her dearly and I’m going to miss her fiercely. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny p There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl, so I suggest a response. I’ll put together a novelty act called Funny Bunny and the G-Men. Here’s what the costumes look like. (And the animated version doesn’t even need costumes.) Funny Bunny does satirical political songs while the G-Men chase him around. With the right humorous songs, this could be comedy gold. Who wants to write songs? 😃
This was the view on my left this evening as I dro This was the view on my left this evening as I drove home from work. This was on I-459 near the Cahaba River bridge. (I didn’t have my “real” camera in the car, so this is an iPhone photo.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
I have always accepted as obvious the fact that yo I have always accepted as obvious the fact that you couldn’t take a halfway decent photo of the moon with a smartphone. (I don’t count the cheat that Samsung uses in some models to artificially create bits that don’t exist in the optical image.) But a friend shot a picture of the moon with her new iPhone 17 night or two ago, I so snapped one frame as I got out of the car just now. The resolution and detail aren’t great, but this is better than I expected. #nature #naturephotography #sky #moon #birmingham #alabama #iphone17pro
I hope this rainbow over I-459 on my way home is a I hope this rainbow over I-459 on my way home is a good omen for the weekend. 😃
I’m very happy to report that my promotion to star I’m very happy to report that my promotion to starship captain has finally come through, so I’ll be leaving Earth and heading to the stars very soon — just as soon as Starfleet has some uniforms in stock that fit chubby guys like me. Anybody else want to sign up and leave the planet with me. 🖖🏻#startrek
Here’s the sunset that caught my attention on my d Here’s the sunset that caught my attention on my drive home just a few minutes ago. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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I just told Alex that we need to get to sleep at a I just told Alex that we need to get to sleep at a decent time tonight, because I have a lot to get done Monday morning. He doesn’t have any objection to going to sleep soon, but he does have a great objection to getting up in the morning and getting any work done. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Sam has joined Alex on the bed late Sunday night a Sam has joined Alex on the bed late Sunday night and Oliver is in the blue chair, so they’re not leaving much room for me in the bedroom. They don’t see that as an issue, of course. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #blackcat #blackcats #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
Our house has been in grave danger this afternoon Our house has been in grave danger this afternoon because an unknown black cat has been stalking the neighborhood. Fortunately for us, Alex is on duty to keep us alerted to developments in this disturbing case. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
From the CritterCam: All three cats went to the of From the CritterCam: All three cats went to the office for the night about 10 minutes ago. I’m convinced that Alex knows I’m watching him. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
I realize that I look terrible at this angle, but I realize that I look terrible at this angle, but I love the way Oliver looks right here. He was under a chair a few minutes ago, but he came out and climbed onto my shoulder and draped himself down my chest like this. He absolutely does not believe in allowing me to have any personal space to myself. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Oliver is under the new bedroom chair after midnig Oliver is under the new bedroom chair after midnight. If you look at how huge his pupils are here, you can tell how little light was under there. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
I tried to let Alex know I was leaving the house f I tried to let Alex know I was leaving the house for a few hours, but he didn’t think that was worth waking up to hear about. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
I was taking a photo of Sam in an office window wh I was taking a photo of Sam in an office window when Oliver jumped through the frame to the fireplace mantle, so the “live photo” feature on the iPhone  turned it into a brief video of Sam watching Oliver jump. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama #caturday
Here’s baby Oliver from two years ago right now. A Here’s baby Oliver from two years ago right now. As I mentioned last night, Nov. 2 marked his second anniversary with us, but since that was the day of Lucy’s death this year, I didn’t feel like talking about it at the time. This picture was after he had been here a couple of weeks. He was brave and confident and loving from Day 1. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham #alabama
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If you have problems with high blood pressure, I’d like to encourage you to consider making serious changes to your diet. There might be some people who don’t have any choice but to start taking prescription medications for high blood pressure, but I’d like to tell you that I have completely eliminated my issue by eliminating all sugar and almost all carbohydrates. (A couple of months ago, my blood pressure hit 185/144, which was dangerously high — considered stage 3 hypertension.) By completely changing my eating habits, I’m down 22 pounds and my blood pressure is now in the “ideal” range — without taking any medication. In addition, I sleep better and I have more energy. Getting away from the sugar-laden mess that we generally refer to as “highly processed food” has been a life-changer for me. Now my challenge is to avoid slipping back into old habits — by eating in the dangerous ways that almost everyone in our society has come to see as normal.

When I first heard about this, I thought it must be satire. When I discovered it was real, I was appalled, but I still thought it must be a one-time thing from some nutty activist. But it turns out it’s the latest bit of pandering to a bunch of far-left activists who believe that a man can become a woman if he decides to claim he’s a woman. As everybody knows, men have prostate glands. Women do not. Period. End of story. Men can get prostate cancer. Women cannot. But political activists are so eager to pretend that a man claiming to be a “trans woman” is really a woman that they are insisting that “women” be included in public health messages about the issue. This is nothing but political virtue-signaling. If you’re a man, you know which parts you have. You know that you ought to be screened. Nobody is made any safer by dragging far-left gender ideology into simple medical reality.

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

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