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David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

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psychology

Until you ask the right questions, you’ll never find missing answers

By David McElroy · September 13, 2018

Most people are addicted to their pain and their drama. If you offer them a way out — even if they ask for one — they will almost certainly ignore it. They have too much invested in the dysfunctional narrative which they believe is reality.

That kind of dysfunctional narrative can’t survive tough questions, though, so humans avoid those hard questions.

That means your root assumptions about yourself and your life are almost never examined. You are too invested in justifying your old decisions and protecting yourself from imagined dangers that you go right along living out the same old mistakes and experiencing the same pain, frequently to the point you have to become numb to survive.

Even if you believe you need change, you find excuse after excuse to keep living as you always have. You say you’ll change your life, but before you know it, the weeks turn to months and the months turn to years. By then, your life is so far down a miserable road that you convince yourself it “isn’t that bad” — because you know there’s no way out.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: answers, change, emotional health, psychology, questions

If you beg someone to make you his priority, you hurt yourself

By David McElroy · September 10, 2018

The last time I had seen Amanda, she had been happy. She started dating a new guy a couple of months ago and she was happy. But when I saw her Monday evening, she was down and I asked her why.

Her new boyfriend works out of town and spends about half his time on the road for periods of 10 to 14 days. This pattern made the relationship difficult, but she confessed tonight that the real problem is that he seems more interested in spending time with his other friends than with her. He had just come back to town Thursday and was leaving again this morning. He spent the weekend hanging out with his friends — and mostly ignoring her.

“How can I get him to spend more time with me,” Amanda asked me in frustration. “He says he loves me, but when he has time, I’m his last priority. How can I make him care more about us?”

In a strange twist of fate, a Facebook friend had tagged me Monday afternoon in some words I had to say on this subject six or seven years ago. I still agreed with what I posted years ago, but I squirmed at how I had been a hypocrite.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: love, psychology, relationships

Brush with high-speed blowout leaves me thinking about death

By David McElroy · September 7, 2018

The technician looked at me as though he had seen a ghost.

“You almost got yourself killed,” he said quietly.

I was almost back to my suburb Friday evening when I had a blowout on I-20 east of Birmingham. I was going faster than the law prefers when I heard a sudden noise that I find hard to describe. That noise immediately turned into a loud rumble. The car was hard to control. I can’t remember exactly what I did, but once I regained full control, I was on the exit to my neighborhood.

My regular car repair place was already closed, so I pulled into the Walmart auto center. An hour later, I was facing the technician who had pulled the tire off the car. He wanted to show me the hole in my tire — and he wanted to know how I had avoided losing control and killing myself.

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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: death, life, mortality, psychology

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Here are a couple of views of the sunset I just wa Here are a couple of views of the sunset I just watched on my way home after showing houses. I didn’t have my camera with me, so these are just iPhone shots. #nature #naturephotography #sunset #birmingham #alabama
This is what it might look like if the cats and I This is what it might look like if the cats and I were cast in a Wes Anderson film.
This is one of the funniest things that ChatGPT ha This is one of the funniest things that ChatGPT has done for me. I asked it to create a movie poster showing what a movie poster would look like for a film starring me. I told it to use my previous writings (from my website) to come up with a title and subject matter. And this is what it came up with. I can’t stop laughing. Also, the software decided on its own to included Oliver. 😺
I just noticed in the past couple of days that the I just noticed in the past couple of days that there’s suddenly far more color in the leaves of the trees, which lets me know that winter isn’t far behind. I took these two photos on a chilly Sunday afternoon nine years ago this week. #nature #naturephotography #colorful #trees #autumn #birmingham #alabama
Some of you might be aware that my dog Lucy died o Some of you might be aware that my dog Lucy died of cancer last weekend. As I’ve been grieving the loss of this beautiful and loving girl, I put together a one-minute compilation of short videos of Lucy from her first two or three weeks with me in early 2016. She was several years old at the time, but living with me provided her first stable home. She was unsure of herself at first, but she quickly developed confidence as she discovered how much she was loved. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
Tonight’s moon is apparently something called a be Tonight’s moon is apparently something called a beaver supermoon. I noticed as I was getting home from work that it was a bright yellowish-orange, so I snapped this a couple of miles from home. It’s not a great photo, but I was pretty happy with it for an iPhone shot on the side of the road. #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama #iphone17pro
I’m heartbroken to tell you that I lost Lucy early I’m heartbroken to tell you that I lost Lucy early Sunday morning. The World’s Happiest Dog lived with me for 10 years, but I can’t say for sure how old she was when she came to live with me. I’ve written a brief article on my website about Lucy and what she meant to me, which you’ll find as the most recent article at davidmcelroy.org if you would be interested. (There’s a clickable link on my profile.) Like every good dog, she was “the goodest dog.” I love her dearly and I’m going to miss her fiercely. #dog #dogs #dogstagram #dogsofinstagram #cute #cutedog #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #instadog #ilovedogs #birmingham #alabama
There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny p There’s been a lot of controversy over Bad Bunny performing at the Super Bowl, so I suggest a response. I’ll put together a novelty act called Funny Bunny and the G-Men. Here’s what the costumes look like. (And the animated version doesn’t even need costumes.) Funny Bunny does satirical political songs while the G-Men chase him around. With the right humorous songs, this could be comedy gold. Who wants to write songs? 😃
This was the view on my left this evening as I dro This was the view on my left this evening as I drove home from work. This was on I-459 near the Cahaba River bridge. (I didn’t have my “real” camera in the car, so this is an iPhone photo.) #nature #naturephotography #sky #colorful #clouds #sunset #birmingham #alabama
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Critter Instagram

I just got up for a quick bathroom break, but by t I just got up for a quick bathroom break, but by the time I could get back, Alex had stolen my chair. Again.
Get ready for the next great animated Christmas cl Get ready for the next great animated Christmas classic, featuring singing and dancing and danger from Alex, Oliver and Sam. Coming soon to a theater near you. (The funniest part is that if I cared about this as anything more than a Christmas joke, it strikes me as something that could be profitable with the right story development and the right animators.)
Alex is never sure how early he’s supposed to be l Alex is never sure how early he’s supposed to be listening for the “click, click, click” on the roof, so he’s ready if it happens this afternoon.
I sleep better at night when Alex and his brothers I sleep better at night when Alex and his brothers are in the room next to me and I can check on them anytime I want. I didn’t like being on the other side of town from lhem a couple of days ago.
From the CritterCam: Oliver often sleeps with one From the CritterCam: Oliver often sleeps with one of his paws stretched or dangling, but this is an unusual version of that. He occasionally sleeps with the paw extended upward in this way, with his claws locked into something such as the fabric of this chair to hold him in place. I don’t know how he sleeps that way.
From the CritterCam: This afternoon, it’s Sam and From the CritterCam: This afternoon, it’s Sam and Oliver curled up together on the heated pad.
From the CritterCam: Even though I have to be at a From the CritterCam: Even though I have to be at a hospital tonight — because I have a gastric obstruction — it’s a comfort to be able to check on Sam and Alex in this way.
Alex thinks I spend far too much time looking at a Alex thinks I spend far too much time looking at a computer screen instead of playing with him.
Alex has moved to the hanging basket of the castle Alex has moved to the hanging basket of the castle just before midnight. He seems to be bedding down for his first major nap of the night, so it’s time for me to turn the rest of the office lights off. #cat #cats #catstagram #catsofinstagram #cute #cutecat #pets #petstagram #petsofinstagram #tabby #tabbycat #instacat #ilovecats #birmingham  #alabama
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David likes email, but can’t reply to every message. I get a surprisingly large number of requests for relationship advice — seriously — but time doesn’t permit a response to all of them. (Sorry.)

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If you have problems with high blood pressure, I’d like to encourage you to consider making serious changes to your diet. There might be some people who don’t have any choice but to start taking prescription medications for high blood pressure, but I’d like to tell you that I have completely eliminated my issue by eliminating all sugar and almost all carbohydrates. (A couple of months ago, my blood pressure hit 185/144, which was dangerously high — considered stage 3 hypertension.) By completely changing my eating habits, I’m down 22 pounds and my blood pressure is now in the “ideal” range — without taking any medication. In addition, I sleep better and I have more energy. Getting away from the sugar-laden mess that we generally refer to as “highly processed food” has been a life-changer for me. Now my challenge is to avoid slipping back into old habits — by eating in the dangerous ways that almost everyone in our society has come to see as normal.

When I first heard about this, I thought it must be satire. When I discovered it was real, I was appalled, but I still thought it must be a one-time thing from some nutty activist. But it turns out it’s the latest bit of pandering to a bunch of far-left activists who believe that a man can become a woman if he decides to claim he’s a woman. As everybody knows, men have prostate glands. Women do not. Period. End of story. Men can get prostate cancer. Women cannot. But political activists are so eager to pretend that a man claiming to be a “trans woman” is really a woman that they are insisting that “women” be included in public health messages about the issue. This is nothing but political virtue-signaling. If you’re a man, you know which parts you have. You know that you ought to be screened. Nobody is made any safer by dragging far-left gender ideology into simple medical reality.

Every time someone tries to tighten requirements around the use of absentee ballots, I hear screams from Democrats and others on the political left that such efforts are nothing but “suppression of black voters.” These protests have never made sense to me, especially because it’s never been a secret that absentee ballot fraud goes on all the time in certain areas. (Everybody knew it when I worked in politics.) The people who engage in such fraud are rarely caught — often because the local political establishment approves of the crime — but a Democrat who won a primary election in Clay County, Alabama, last year has pleaded guilty to this sort of cheating. Terry Andrew Heflin was running for a place on the Clay County Commission. He was caught ordering seven absentee ballots in the names of various voters and sending them to his post office box — after which he used the ballots to vote absentee for himself seven time. Did he have other people cast additional fraudulent ballots? We’ll never know. But in a primary in which he was able to win with only 141 votes, it wouldn’t take many fraudulent votes to change the election. The next time you hear “civil rights activists” claim that it’s just “voter suppression” to hurt blacks which is at the root of efforts to stop this fraud, remember Terry Heflin. If you care about fair and honest elections, ballot security and voter identity should matter to you.

A state legislator in Maine has been stripped of the ability to speak in the state Legislature — and her votes are not being counted on legislative issues — all because she made a truthful social media post. Rep. Laurel Libby (R-Auburn, Maine) opposes allowing boys to compete against girls’ teams in school athletics and she’s become known for making an issue of it. On Feb. 17, she posted on Facebook about a recent example that she found outrageous. She posted side-by-side photos of a boy named John who competed last year in a state track event and won fifth place against other boys two years ago — and a photo of the same boy (now called Katie) who won first place in the same event this year against girls. Whether you find this outrageous or not, Libby is clearly being honest and truthful about the objective facts of an issue of public importance. But the state Legislature censured her. Democrats decreed that she could not speak in the House and that her votes would not count on legislation — until she apologized for the outrage of telling the truth. She refused and her constituents have been unrepresented in the state House since then. The people who promote this ideology are out of touch with reality and won’t rest until they force the rest of us to join them in this delusion. But even if you agree with “trans” ideology, you should be appalled at this heavy-handed attack on political speech.

The late Steve Jobs was at the center of our culture’s transition from analog to digital. He co-founded Apple Computer. He led the team that revolutionized personal computing with the first Macintosh. As CEO of Apple, he led the development of the iPhone and later the iPad. You would think the children of such a man would be surrounded by technology. But Jobs and his wife Laureen didn’t let their children use iPads. Their home had few screens of any kind. Even though Jobs spent most of his time developing and selling Macs and iPhones and iPads, he was home with his wife and children for dinner when he was in town. The family ate together at a simple wooden table in their kitchen — and there were no digital devices or focus on popular culture. Instead, he’s said to have guided his family toward deep discussions of art, philosophy and education — with no iPads to be found. If the man who guided the development of such products chose a different path for his own children, does that suggest that his digital experience taught him that children need human connection, not screens? And does it suggest the possibility that we might be better off if we made the same choice for our families?

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