David McElroy

Madam Speaker, I rise today in support of H.R. 7035, the Federal Eyeball Inequality Act of 2020.

Our great nation was founded on the principles of liberty and equality. Without liberty, we can’t be equal. Without equality, we can’t have liberty. So when some Americans are treated unequally, it’s an assault on the liberty of each and every one of us. We have a sacred duty to those Founding Fathers who fought and bled for our freedom to bring equality to every American.

Some may say that we are free and we are equal, because we see freedom and we see equality everywhere. But do we? Sadly, not all of us see those things equally — because not all of us see equally well. It is to rectify this incredible injustice that I beg you to join me in using the full moral might of this government to bring equal sight to all. To do less than pass this legislation is to confess before all of us that you hate equality and that you hate liberty.

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Some people are addicted to the idea that government-enforced monopolies are a good way to get things done. They’re idiots. I don’t any way to be polite. Some ideas don’t deserve to be taken seriously. They deserve to be ridiculed and treated with contempt.

John C. Dvorak is an idiot. I already knew that before today, but he cemented his place in the Idiot Hall of Fame with a column he wrote for PC Magazine last week. Dvorak — who we’ll call The Idiot for the remainder of this article — has been trolling the Internet for years by making absurd predictions and saying factually inaccurate things, but I suppose the magazine keeps him around because people know who he is and because he at least gets people to come click on the site to view ads. This time, though, he’s into territory that I wouldn’t expect the Onion to go.

The Idiot has proposed that our email system would be better off if we turned it over to the U.S. Postal Service. No, I’m not kidding. No, he doesn’t seem to be kidding. No, it’s not April Fool’s Day.

I’m not going to demolish The Idiot’s argument. I’m not going to even go over it point by point. I merely bring it up to point of that as long as we live in a system that allows other people to rule over us, we are at the mercy of idiots such as Dvorak. If enough people agree with The Idiot, we could have our email — run by various companies competing with each other — taken away and turned over to government-sponsored employees.

Only an idiot could think that’s a good idea.

Note: I have friends who work for the USPS. Some of them aren’t idiots. Some are quite bright. It’s the monopoly top-down system that’s the problem.