David McElroy

I’ve been treading water in my life — not sure which way to go — for roughly a decade.

If you’ve read what I’ve said lately, you know that I’m ready to finally change that. In some audio last week, I explained why I have to stop trying to be what other people might want me to be. A few days ago, I shared with you the specifics of a couple of short films I’m working on, even though they scare me.

But I’m still paralyzed by fear of taking steps that could close off certain choices forever. There are a dozen doors through which I could go right now. Probably many more than that. But choosing one of those doors will close some of the other doors forever.

I’m afraid of making the wrong choices. I’m afraid of choosing a path that will take me somewhere that doesn’t match the needs of whoever I might marry in the future. What if my choice takes me away from someone I love?

I feel as though I have only one more chance to get things right insofar as having a wife and family. I don’t want to blow my chance.

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I hadn’t heard from Grace for several years and her email today surprised me. She and I dated briefly, but we hadn’t stayed in touch. Her message wasn’t long — and she didn’t seem to really want anything special — but one section really struck me.

“I’m turning 31 next week and I feel so old,” she wrote. “It was hard when I turned 30 last year and I didn’t think I’d feel this way again this year, but I do. I hate feeling this old, like everybody knows I’m not young and pretty anymore. I’m not sure what I expected, but life doesn’t turn out like I thought it would.”

This was the second time in the last month that I’d heard a woman express uneasiness about celebrating a birthday. That left me thinking again about how we see youth and age and wisdom and beauty in modern culture.

Our culture has a lot of things backwards when it comes to values, but this one seems especially dangerous. Cultures used to teach their people to give value and respect to age and wisdom, but as images have come to dominate western culture, we have reversed everything.

We glorify youthful appearance in ways never known in human history — and we’re eager to write off the wisdom of those who have finally experienced enough of life to have insight and understanding.

Our warped cultural programming leaves us scared of what we see in our faces when we look into mirrors. And it leaves us yearning for the younger years of our lives — when we were the most ignorant and foolhardy.

These warped cultural values are making a lot of individuals miserable today.

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On Dec. 10, 2004, a small film crew gathered at 6:30 in the morning for the first day of shooting on a short film. It was only a three-day shoot — with some pickup shots on a fourth day — but everything was planned in detail.

For more than a year, I had struggled to take the germ of an idea and turn it into a film. I had recruited someone I knew in local video production to help me find a crew. Some of the people we recruited were fantastic and some turned out to be nightmares to work with. Some did their jobs and others were dumped along the way.

The process was really ugly at times.

I didn’t know how to write a script. I had to figure out how to structure something entirely different from what I’d ever written before. I had to trust production people who I barely knew. And I couldn’t afford to get better people (or paid actors) because I had a grand total budget of only $8,500.

The three full days of production were hard work. A lot of things didn’t go right. There were times when we hadn’t yet found the actors to stand in shots for the scenes that we were driving to a location to film at that moment. And I was always painfully conscious that I didn’t know enough about what I was doing. I got so stressed out toward the end of the first shooting day that I pulled the director of photography into a room privately and said, “I’m so stressed that I’ve forgotten what we’re about to do. Please help me here.”

But in the end, I made a modest short film that I’m proud of. It won a handful of awards and was shown at 25 film festivals in five countries. What I’ve realized lately is that the ugly creative process is just as important as the final film — and it’s time for me to open parts of my process to you.

If I’m going to be serious about changing my life — and becoming the artist I need to be — I’m going to have to show you the ugly parts of the process that I hope will create my films of the future. So here’s what I’m working on.

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