David McElroy

It’s always the worst at night. I have no idea why.

That’s when the images and sounds flood my mind. It’s as though someone made a movie and I saw only the first part. I loved the movie and wanted to see all of it. I loved it so much that I wanted to live in it, but I couldn’t.

And then someone had all the images and sounds and smells and emotions from the rest of that movie — and feeds bits and pieces of them to me at random times. It’s warm and loving images of love and family and home and everything I’ve ever wanted.

There‘s a projector on the inside of my skull — and someone plays those images. What I see teases me and torments me, but I can’t make them go away. I don‘t even know whether I want them to go away.

She’s always there. But she’s not really there.

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It’s hard to forgive other people, but it’s far more difficult to forgive ourselves. I know this is true, because I’ve struggled with it for years.

I listened to a podcast episode tonight about how victims of narcissists often lash out at other people in behavior that seems remarkably similar to the behavior that was done to them. I’ve known for years that this is true, but I prefer to avoid the subject.

Thinking about it makes me feel guilt and shame. I struggle to give myself the grace of self-compassion and forgiveness.

I’ve talked with you over and over about my struggles with coming to understand the narcissistic abuse I went through as a child. The thing I seem to have struggled with the most are my fears of having learned too many of my father’s dysfunctional ways. (Here‘s an example from about 18 months ago.)

As I listened to the podcast discussion tonight of how easy it is for victims to repeat some forms of what was done to them, I felt the shame return — and I was reminded that I still haven’t mastered how to give myself compassion and forgiveness.

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People are angrily screaming with each other right now about what ought to be done about how much public activity to allow.

Some people demand that everything be opened up as before. Others demand that most things remain closed — and most people remain at home — for many more months. Everybody seems convinced that he has the right answer.

But the questions which a lot of people aren’t really addressing are which experts ought to be trusted and whether anybody has the right to force everyone else to obey his particular expert.

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