David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

Our self-deception is attempt to justify whatever we do to others

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The lies we tell each other are nothing compared to the lies we tell ourselves.

Why do we do this? We have to lie to ourselves to justify the things we’ve done, especially the things we’ve done to other people. So one self-deception leads to another. Then when people go their separate ways, the lies and self-justification become more intense.

The longer two people are away from one another — and away from whatever happened between them — the more their internal narratives diverge.

Have you ever listened to two people — two people who once loved each other or two people who were once business partners, for instance — tell their stories about what happened to the dead or dying relationship? If you just listen and don’t challenge what you’re hearing, you would think the two people are telling entirely different tales.

I wonder whether two people can ever see the truth of what has happened between them as they drift apart — with someone slowly becoming “somebody that I used to know” to the other.

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Romantic interest no easier now than it was for me in sixth grade

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It was just after Thanksgiving of my sixth grade year. For about a year and a half, I had had the worst sort of crush on a girl in my class named Wendy Ford. When I was 11, she was my dream girl.

I was terrified for anybody to figure out that I “liked” Wendy, of course. And the absolute worst thing would be for her to know it. This is confusing to adult logic, but it made perfect sense back then. Somehow, she was going to “like” me first and let me know — and then I could confess that I “liked” her, too. And then we would get married. Or something like that.

Instead, one of her friends came over to me — in music class — and asked, “Do you like Wendy?”

My face must have turned bright red. I felt as though everybody was looking at me. My heartbeat raced. And I denied it. I assured her that it wasn’t true, but I doubt I was convincing. I just wanted to be anywhere but there.

“You should have liked her,” the friend said, “because she likes you.”

Thursday evening, I remembered what that sort of conversation felt like — and I didn’t like it any better than I did when I was 11.

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Social media can be dangerous for those of us raised by narcissists

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The scariest thing I’ve ever done is confronting the parts of myself which could have turned me into a malignant narcissist.

I’ve talked about this before. It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I even understood what clinical narcissism is. I had no idea the term applied to my father. I had no idea that growing up with a narcissistic parent damages children in predictable ways. I had no idea that many of those children turn into narcissists. And I had absolutely no idea that I was in danger of going down the same path.

Confronting that truth was painful and terrifying — and working my way through making changes was even scarier — but seeing the dysfunctional parts of yourself is always painful and terrifying.

I found that social media is the place that exposes many destructive narcissists — and I also found that social media is a dangerous minefield for those of us who are dealing with the fallout from having been raised by narcissists.

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