In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
A heart that’s open to love can lead you to unexpected places
Pinning big hopes on Mitt Romney? He’s a hypocrite on ObamaCare
To unlock your heart for real love, you must embrace vulnerability

Some rewards are great enough to ignore risks and take big chances
If romantic love is real and true, does it never really fade away?
Delusional Democrats help Trump re-election by chasing phantoms
Political systems built on coercion will always produce cheats, liars
My unconscious choices on love say much about women and me
Need for love drives behaviors; for me, old needs make me eat