David McElroy

I hadn’t planned to do any stargazing tonight.

But I was enjoying a conversation with the woman who was with me and I wasn’t quite ready for it to end. As I was taking her back to her car, I took a slight detour to a hill which is my favorite spot from which to watch sunsets.

It was past 10 p.m., so the sky was mostly dark except for the faint glow of city lights to the west of us. The stars seemed to stretch forever. The view was beautiful. Almost inevitably, our conversation turned to the thoughts which such a view inspires.

She said that when she looks at the stars, she feels small and insignificant.

I’ve heard many people express some version of that idea over the years. It’s turned up in books, movies and conversations. People look at the vastness of the universe and conclude that they are tiny, temporary creatures occupying an insignificant corner of existence.

I understand what they mean. I just don’t feel that.

In fact, I’ve never felt it.

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When I first met Ben and Sarah, I really liked them. They’re in their mid-30s and have a sweet 3-year-old daughter. They’ve been married for seven years and have always lived in apartments. They had called me because they were ready to buy a house.

I had them meet with a mortgage broker to figure out what they could qualify for on their moderate income. With that number in mind, I started looking for a house that met their needs — and preferences, too, as much as possible.

I showed them close to 30 houses. Most of them were excellent starter homes in safe areas, but they were disappointed in everything.

Ben and Sarah seemed to believe their modest budget could buy the sort of house they saw on HGTV. They wanted a big house in a prestigious area. They wanted fancy kitchens and bathrooms. They turned their noses up at laminate countertops and functional bathrooms.

They eventually gave up in frustration. I assume they’re still in their apartment, paying rent.

This past week, I checked their Facebook profiles to see if I could tell if they had continued to look without me. I found a frustrated post from Sarah that complained about politicians and “billionaires” making it impossible for them to buy a home.

She complained bitterly that nobody can buy anything. She even implied it was some conspiracy to keep people like her paying rent.

As I read her entitled rant, I kept thinking of the couple of dozen comfortable houses I had shown them that were within their budget. And as much as I had liked her when we had been together, I couldn’t help seeing her as a spoiled child who was having a tantrum because she couldn’t have what she wanted — when she wanted it.

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A baby isn’t born with an owner’s manual.

Human beings are born into all sorts of circumstances. Some come into loving homes. Some face challenges that make life confusing.

When children are young, they’re under the control of adults who seem god-like in many ways. The adults seem to know everything. They seem to have complete control. We eventually figure out that those adults are typically just as confused as we are, but in the meantime, we absorb everything those adults teach.

Some of what we’re taught is intentional, but much of it is what we pick up from the examples around us. Both good and bad.

By the time a child is in the neighborhood of 18 years old, he or she is considered an adult. The child has spent years trying to define himself or herself in relation to parents, assuming those figures are around. At first, most children want to be just like their parents, but the time soon comes when they want to pull away and live their own lives.

By the time I was in my 20s, I knew everything. Or so I thought. I really thought I had everything figured out. Most people feel the same, either consciously or unconsciously. And then we’re off to building a life as a new adult.

But in all of that messy process, one thing is true for almost all of us. Since we don’t have an owner’s manual, we’ve been programmed by parents and preachers and teachers.

Nobody has ever told us that we need to ask one basic question: How should I live a good life?

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