In order to show how much they care, the folks in the White House have set up a website for people to make petitions about issues they care about. What the politicians didn’t count on was someone using their system to satirize how vapid and condescending the actual responses are.
Any sane and realistic person knows that the administration doesn’t care how many petitions you sign. (It’s not just this one, of course. No administration cares about petitions, contrary to what many people assume.) It’s only interested in how many votes you can deliver and how many dollars you can give.
For the rest of us, they’re just interested in placating us. They’ll pretend to listen. They’ll write boilerplate responses. They might even promise a pony sometimes. But it’s not going to change reality.
The White House petition system is for PR purposes, pure and simple. We all know that. And when politicians go through the motions of pretending to take us seriously, it’s condescending. So here’s a petition that I hope you’ll actually consider signing:
Had enough yet? Ready to quit pretending politics changes things?
Bride is 89 and the groom is 86,

What are the odds that gambling improves your economic future?
Living behind a mask means you won’t allow real self to be loved
Insanity is part of being human – and we’re all potentially unstable
After years of wasting my life, sands of time are slipping away
I don’t regret my choices, but I do lament choices he refused to make