David McElroy

making sense of a dysfunctional culture

After his death, I can finally see good in narcissistic father again

By ·

This is the first time in many years when I haven’t felt a horrible sense of dread about Father’s Day.

My father expected to be honored and acknowledged on Father’s Day, but I quit doing that a long time ago, because I decided I couldn’t continue to be that dishonest. Instead, the day became an annual reminder of the tension between the praise he wanted and the reality of what I needed to say to him.

When I kept trying to get him to talk with me about the past — and how he treated me in that present — he used to get angry and say, “Nobody gives me any credit for all the things I did for you children.”

That wasn’t true, but when you need to get someone to look at the abuse he’s inflicted on you (and continues to inflict), you’re in no mood to recount anything good about him. Now that he’s dead — and no longer stalking me online and showing up at my door unannounced — I can finally allow myself to look at his positive side once again.

Keep Reading

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

She took an easy way to escape risk, but she’s left to deal with empty life

By ·

I never thought I’d talk with her again, so it was a bit like talking to a ghost.

When I answered the phone, her voice sounded just as I remembered. For a brief moment, I went back and forth between feeling as though I was hearing a voice from another life and feeling as though I had just talked with her hours before. She felt completely alien to me — but she also felt intimately familiar.

I don’t know why she called. She said she didn’t even know. She suddenly needed to talk with me and she impulsively dialed my number.

She’s married now, but she used to love me. That’s what she said, anyway. I used to love her, but she hurt me by pulling away unexpectedly. With no warning or explanation, she changed course. She disappeared from my life and quickly married someone else. I never knew why and that hurt. I assumed it was some fault in me — something that would cause her to choose another man.

Now I finally know the truth — and the truth makes me sad.

Keep Reading

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts

Painful confession: I’m envious of those who have the things I want

By ·

I never thought envy was a problem for me. I really didn’t.

When I discovered the Enneagram personality typing system a few years ago, it was scary how correct most of it was — both the flattering parts and the ugly parts. But descriptions I read said the “deadly sin” or passion of the Type 4 was envy.

“That couldn’t be me,” I thought, “because I don’t feel jealous of other people. I don’t wish bad things on those who have more than I do. I’m happy for those who do well.”

I didn’t give it much thought, because I was so certain it didn’t apply to me. But I’ve recently had to rethink that. It’s been painful. I’ve had to accept that what Shakespeare called “the green sickness” is hiding in my heart and eating at me.

It was hard to admit this to myself. I’m humiliated to admit it to you.

Keep Reading

Share on Social Networks

Related Posts